Drowning with you
by Fallain
Summary: Emma has a choice to make in s03e20: Magic or Killian. The thoughts that could have gone through her mind as she struggled with keeping him from leaving her in death.


I feel like the excitement that Emma chose Killian over her magic was ignored and overlooked because of the promo of them dancing together than spurred a hundred fics and due to Gill's constant harassment, I finally typed up what could have been going through Emma's mind as Killian drowned and she had to make that choice.

Beta'd by Gilligan who tolerates and inspires me more than I deserve.

-One Shot-

This was precisely why Emma hadn't wanted a one handed pirate coming along with her to hunt Zelena and Rumplestiltskin.

Zelena already knew about Hook's feelings for Emma, that part was painfully obvious by the curse that she chose for him but what Zelena didn't know what Emma's feelings for Hook. And as long as Emma hid them and kept Killian at arms length she wouldn't. Emma could do this, she could trick the wicked witch into thinking that their longing to be close was one-sided. She could convince Zelena that she had no love for Killian nor any intention to kiss him...

But what she hadn't planned ahead for was... what happened if she succeeded in making Zelena believe she didn't care for Killian?

Icy claws of terror gripped her heart tight in her chest, freezing her as Zelena's words sank in too late, too late to warn Killian or defend him, too late to even look at him before he was sent flying across the yard and into the pool by Rumplestiltskin. And even as Emma screamed for him, her voice sounding too shrill to her own ears, she knew there was only the choice between her magic or his life. But that wasn't even the worst part.

The worst part was the way his wet leather jacket slipped through her fingers as she tried to tug him out. The way she could feel Rumplestiltskin pressing down on Killian with his magic to keep him under water and knowing that there was nothing she could do as her pirate's thrashing to be free became more frantic. Bubbles escaped his lips and Emma choked back a sob, knowing that it was his last breath lost underwater as he fought for air. The feeling of being helpless as Zelena taunted her and as Killian's body jerked in final desperation before slowly going limp. All Emma could focus on was the way his legs slid out from under him and his leather clad torso going limp in the water. With the splashing gone she could see him floating eerily still with his black hair around him like a dark halo. Too still for a pirate like Killian Jones who was constantly moving, constantly talking and smirking and waving his one hand around.

It may have only lasted a second to see him like that but the mental image would be etched into Emma's nightmares for the rest of her life. She didn't hear Zelena's final parting words or notice the swirls of green smoke. All she could see was Killian. All she could do was keep her hands gripping his shoulders tight, waiting for the second that Rumplestiltskin's magic released him.

Seconds seemed like an eternity until she could haul him backwards and get him out of the water but do nothing to keep him from hitting the ground. All she could do was grab the back of his head to keep his body safe until she figured out a way to bring him back to her. Her hands moved over his body and shook him and shouted at him and begged at him but a voice in her head just kept reminding her that she was the savior, that she saved everyone, that she broke curses and needed her magic to keep everyone safe... she needed her magic. She couldn't give up her magic. She couldn't lose her magic. She had to let Killian slip away from her forever, even while he laid in her arms because she had to choose her magic over the one person that constantly believed in her ability to use that magic.

But feeling Killian's body growing cold quickly in the winter weather was more than she could handle. Keeping her magic meant losing him. Losing him not just for a year, but forever. Not a curse, but real. Never to see that smirk again, lost and only alive in her memories.

Emma looked up to the sky, cursing, because she couldn't imagine losing him. She could imagine a life without her magic, but a life without Killian?

Magic be damned, she wouldn't let Killian leave her like this. She tilted his head back, starting to perform CPR as she breathed life into him and felt her magic sizzle off of her and melt away into the wind but she didn't miss it anywhere near as much as she missed Killian's voice already.

Killian Jones had mesmorizing eyes that almost held a magic of their own. Sometimes they were ice blue, and sometimes they were as blue as the deep ocean. Sometimes they had more of a green tint to them and for as long as Emma lives, she'll never forget that when he finally opened those damn eyes again they were seafoam green. He may have been heaving water out of his lungs and gasping for air as she gently stroked his hair, but his eyes was sparkling with life and his chest was moving up and down again. His heart was racing under her palm and even as he looks up at her horrified, she can't help but smile slightly when he demands what she's done.

"I didn't lose you.", is all she can reply.


End file.
